Random Nonsense – The Middle Urinal

I don’t get what the big deal is about the middle urinal. I mean, seriously, it’s a urinal. It’s where a man (and sometimes, a woman) pees. It should be a symbol of relief, but instead it’s a symbol of horrible tension.

Why? Because the middle urinal is to be avoided like the plague at all costs.

When I was a teenager, it was absolute taboo to use the middle urinal. If you did so, you would be ridiculed for days, the whole school convinced that you were some pervert that not only liked other boys but were so desperate to see their spoinks that you would go to the middle so that you had a “good view” on either side. Even though, hey, we showered in the same room together after gym, or got dressed in the same locker room and compared circumcisions, there were some serious rules when you were peeing. Use the middle urinal, and get thumped by two guys convinced you’re trying to get a peek.

But we grew out of that, right?

Wrong.

Even today, when I use the restroom at a hockey game, a football game, or a WWE wrestling event, no one wants to go near the middle urinal. Seriously? What’s the big deal? Is your spoink made out of diamonds? Do you think everyone wants your no-no?

I just don’t get it. We’re grown men. We pee. Especially after we drink – it’s science. I have absolutely no interest in seeing whatever you’ve got. You have every right to relieve yourself in peace – your wee-wee is yours!

But if you so much as blink at mine, I’ll throttle you!

Ender Bowen is a writer, producer and actor, originally from Northern New York, who now lives with wife Emily Steele in Nashville, TN. Bowen is additionally a singer/songwriter, a member of comedy troupe Common Sense for Dummys, and co-host of podcast Topical Vacation.

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